My current spouse is our youngest son's cricket team manager. He writes a weekly bulletin which rarely has anything to do with cricket. This week he wrote it in Ruddspeak. One parent told me it was so realistic she almost nodded off towards the end. Enjoy.
Dear All
I was naturally shattered, as I am sure you all were, when the game was called off last weekend. How would I fill in the vacant hours which stretched before me like the Sahara to a dying man.
That question was soon answered when I switched on the TV and found a brand new soap opera called “The Kevin and Julia Show”. It ran for 48 solid hours. What magnificent theatre it was too. Really, Shakespeare couldn’t have written a better script if he tried.
And the best part was that we got to see Kevin in full verbal flight all over again. My how we’ve missed the prolix prince of the people. Why use one word when ten will do , after all.
So, in honour of the dearly and pretty well politically departed Kevin, I thought I’d write the rest of this in Rudd speak. It’s harder than it sounds you know. I don’t how he does it.
So, thanks for stopping by and reading this. It’s great to be on your screen. It’s great to be on your screen in beautiful Brissie. And it’s great to be on your screen in beautiful Brissie with you all. Tonight, I want to talk about the great and majestic game of cricket. And you know what, the truth is, after translating obscure Mandarin sonnets and making short video clips for You Tube, cricket is just about my favourite thing. So, tonight folks, I want to impart some information concerning about an important cricket match to be played this Saturday.
You all know that last week’s match occurred in a sustained period of negative sunshine which resulted in the outcome that the match commencement date should be extended by mutual agreement to a time equating to last Saturday plus one week. But before I tell you all about the anticipated commencement time for the postponed match this forthcoming weekend, let me make three very important points. First, in terms of a forecast, the weather is going to be fine. You know what, that’s a really important point as, thanks to all our hard work during the GFC, we have the finest weather anywhere in the known world in terms of our climate. Everywhere I go, the folk who come up to speak to yours truly to when I am out and about tell me just this. Second point: it’s not going to rain. The good folk who work at the Bureau of Meteorology do a truly outstanding job. These hard working Aussies have chucked the official BOM dart into the official BOM dart board and hit the “no chance of rain” sector. Can I say this: I get pretty riled when I hear people banging on about how the weather guys never get it right in terms of their predictions. Fair suck of the sauce bottle, you try it for a while and see how you do. So, folks, you know what, the bottom line is this, there will be no rain. And the third and really critical point: in terms of the climatic outlook, there’s going to be a paucity of precipitation.
Let’s just reflect on that for a while. Those naysayers among you who think that the rain was here to stay all need to take a cold shower (excuse the pun folks!) and remember those three important points. You know what, the simple truth is this: in terms of the weather, I am the only one who can deliver the sort of stable weather patterns we need to get on with the important business of running a cricket match. No one else can guarantee the sort of weather stability we all deserve; only P-Jol can. And let me just make this important point: if Mr. Abbott was running this weekend’s match, it would be raining. In fact, it would be pouring and you know what, the ordinary hard working decent folk I talk to all know this to be true. No question. That’s the kind of thing ultra conservatives like Mr. Abbott do. That and pulling the wings off flies. Thanks to yours truly, all of our working families will be able to spend some quality time this weekend on the sideline with their loved ones, watching some fine young Aussie kids having a hit of cricket. Maybe at a local oval like the Ashgrove State School, where those fine young kids tell me every day how much they appreciate the fine new hall that the BER program delivered ,at say 8 am. And that’s the bottom line.
Having said that, let me say this. In terms of my presence, I now have to enter a phase of negative attendance. I have to depart to enter into a dialogue with a fellow about a canine so regrettably I need to zip. So, see you good people at Ashgrove State School this Saturday.
(now, where’s my f#$%ing taxi? I ordered the f*#@er half a f@#*ing hour ago. For f@#*’s sake…)
F @#*ing cheers
P-Jol
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