Anxiety - Learning to recognise the bleeding obvious

I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes it is a mild ever present feeling - dread, fear, panic and at other times it turns into a monster that turns me into a great big mess. Most of the time, I need to have a melt down to recognise, with hindsight, that I have taken on too much, done too much, not had enough sleep. It is all so bleeding obvious In Hindsight

I gave up my highly paid job for 12 months a while ago because it was making me sick. Constant migraine headaches. And as a consequence too many painkillers and way too much wine, for medicinal purposes - it is a muscle relaxant after all. My doctor warned me that given my personality I should be prepared for the fact that I would find other things to get anxious about. And how right he was. Washing, school pick ups, sport drop offs and pick ups, (i didn't pay my nanny nearly enough money), cooking new and interesting things, losing weight, and generally being Sargent major at home. And I seemed to always be in the damn car.

After i gave up work, I became my mother in law's speed dial technology help desk. And banking consultant. And peters of kensington purchaser. My mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I became my Dear Old Dad's ( DOD) cook and carer. I went back to work very part time and in some odd way I manage to mostly switch off from all of the home stuff while at work, but can't imagine how I managed it all before.

But today I had an epiphany. I had that familiar feeling of dread and panic set in thinking about my day tomorrow. I had agreed to host my son's futsal break up at 4.30pm on a day I had agreed to work a few hours on a day I don't normally work. Two meetings at 11-12 and 12.30-2.30. I was trying to work out when was the best time to squeeze in shopping, tidying, setting up etc as well as collect the boys from school, and get DOD's dinner done.

The Epiphany came. I didn't actually need to go into work at all - I CANCELLED MY WORK COMMITMENTS. No one thought I was terrible. No one died. Nothing bad happened. The only thing that happened was that the relief for me was palpable. I relaxed. The feeling of dread and panic left and my teeth unclenched. I suddenly had the whole day back.

I'm a smart person but it has taken me nearly 50 years to get to this point. I hope I can do it again. I hope I don't start worrying about whether or not I can do it again!

AMFYOYO


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