This blog post is not what you think it is. No secret elixir of youth. No magic potions. No advertisement for plastic surgery or Botox. Not a post about the Real Housewives of Wherever. Just what we can do for others who are either old or caring for someone who is old.
I've been thinking about aging a lot lately. I think about it most days because I have an almost 91 year old widowed father and an almost 80 year old widowed mother in law in my life - but two things happened today to make me think about it more. A dear friend told me her mother, who had only been diagnosed with cancer in May, passed away, making her officially an orphan. Her father had died two years previously, shortly after taking up residence in a nursing home because of dementia, that hideous sneaky disease, robbing otherwise healthy folk of the ability to live out their days independently or with their loved ones. Then I read Wendy Harmer's beautiful piece about her own father's diagnosis with dementia. My friend had spent a great deal of time caring for her mum in these last few months. With three boys and a full time job as well. As we do.
We are at that age and stage in life called the 'sandwich' generation - with kids at home and elderly parents. In fact, I sometimes refer to myself as a toasted ham and cheese. I have a friend who not only cared for her cancer ridden mother in law and mother in the early stages of dementia, but her teenaged son and his girlfriend announced they were pregnant. She wins!!
My mum passed away suddenly three years ago. At the time it was a terrible shock but I know now I would rather her die a sudden death than have her suffer through cancer, dementia or another long illness. I wrote about that day and subsequent events here - http://adiosmfyoyo.blogspot.com.au/2011/08/on-becoming-motherless-daughter-and.html.
Dad was 10 years older than her and 87 at the time. To be honest no one expected that he would outlive her or that when she died he would live this long but I am eternally grateful he is still here, happy and healthy and mostly independent, with his mind and card playing skills still as sharp as a tack. He lives just down the road from us now and I see him most days, cook his meals and we do the odd job for him and so on. Mostly, it is good for him to have family close by, and the beautiful Oscar for whom to care.
He gets regular visits from my siblings and their spouses when they come to Brisbane, and he travels to north Qld to visit them a couple of times a year as well. And they call regularly. He is not 'lucky' - we consider it a privilege to still have him in our lives and he has been and still is, a most wonderful father. But I will use that word 'lucky' in a comparative sense.
The thing is, most of my friends are in similar situations to me. And their elderly relatives are the 'lucky' ones. They have someone to look in on them, take them to appointments, call, and help them when they need it. Which is sometimes a lot. And sometimes overwhelming. And they are happy to do it even if we have formed an informal counselling group to discuss our situations and laugh about things we have to do. For example, I don't recall signing up to changing my father's compression stockings in the mornings, when he wears a night shirt. Hello boys!!
The world is really not a comfortable or dignified place for the elderly. To make an enquiry about insurance, telephone, centrelink etc, you get a computerised voice asking you to either press a number or tell in a 'few words' what the call is about. I can barely cope with that - imagine a partly deaf, hands shaking old person, trying to deal with that. 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. Tell me in a few words, what your call is about'. Well I am now authorized to make enquiries on my father's behalf for all utilities, insurance, centrelink, and many other organisations.
Imagine being old and having to deal with those frustrations. I sometimes want to shout 'I WANT TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN BEING!'.
Old people generally accept what they're told and advantage can be taken. By tradespeople knocking on the door unsolicited, by doctors, by insurance companies who will up insurance premiums by 30% when a claim has not been made in 30 years. Grrrr.
Most information is available on line. And most people over 85 don't know how to use the Internet, or use it to its full advantage.
I notice the elderly when I am out and about especially in shops. Look around you next time you're in a supermarket. If you see an elderly person looking endlessly at a shelf ask if they need help. Inevitably the item they are looking for is on the top or bottom shelf. Or the aisle has been changed (I HATE it when they do that). Recently my local Coles moved everything around - every old person I offered to help was looking for dried fruit! Regularity is clearly very important.
I see old people crossing the road or pushing a shopping trolley and want to help - I would rather risk them getting feisty on me and say they don't need help than not offer.
But I wonder - how many old people are in their homes, unseen, alone and lonely, without family to check up on them, struggling with things we take for granted - showering, washing,cooking. How awful.
Please take the time to notice the elderly - a warm smile or offer of help from a stranger may be all it takes to make them happy that day. And if you are caring for an elderly relative, be grateful for the time. No matter what your relationship, you will miss them when they're gone.
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