Who looks after me?

I see a shrink on a regular basis which I actually enjoy. I 'endure' (I hate that word 'suffer') both depression and anxiety - with varying degrees of intensity, yet most people in my life, including my spouse, The Lawyer, and close friends, remain oblivious to this fact. I think I have been anxious my whole life being a catastrophiser and worrier for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed officially with serious anxiety five years ago after a particularly horrid workplace experience involving both sexual harassment and bullying over a long period of time. Long before I left that employer (being stubborn and all) I was told by an occupational health specialist that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just working for a psychopath. Anyhoo - that's a long story for another day.

I was just starting to both come to terms with this aspect of my health, having worked happily elsewhere for a couple of years and deciding to take a year off work, when my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly. And I am now assisting my dad who is on his own and ninety years old this year. So I worry ALL THE TIME. About him. What to cook him. My kids. Their future. My daughter's obnoxious boyfriend messing with her head. Money. Where my career is going. The dog. My ancient cat. Other people's children. Other people's health. Other people's children. My health. My weight. I worry about the fact that I worry ALL THE TIME.

I thought giving up work was going to be the answer to all my problems. You know, I was 'getting off the treadmill'. I had visions of myself reading my book by the pool (never done that), going to the beach for the day (did that once, feeling guilty all day), movies with girlfriends (again once, on my birthday), having a tidy home and generally being serene. That was my goal. Being serene. It has never happened. 'aah the serenity' i want to be able to say.

It's never going to happen. I'm just not that kind of person I guess.

Getting off the treadmill just meant that I got straight onto a cross trainer. Or a hamster wheel. I know I was efficient and organised when I was working but I look back and wonder how I did all this and work. But I wasn't looking after my dad then. I didn't have a daughter with relationship issues then. I didn't have a mother in law who became a widow and turned to me to help her with everything technology related. Apparently I have 'help desk' stamped on my forehead. I didn't have time to do lots of things that have now made it onto my 'to do' list. But if you look at that list, everything on it is things I have to do for other people. Nothing for myself.

So my psychiatrist drew me a picture recently. It was not well drawn but you will get the gist. It was me, in a circle. Outside the circle were all the people in my life who had a call on my time and who i 'look after'. Three kids even though two are teenagers. One with a boyfriend who does not treat her well, one in his last year of school, and one with anxiety issues of his own. Spouse (another whole story). Dear old dad. Mother in law. Work colleagues I still mentor. Friends. Other relatives.

'Who looks after you' he asked me and I realised the answer was no one. No one except me and I SUCK at that because everyone else comes a long way ahead of me in the pecking order of people to look after. He asked me what I would do if I became seriously ill and I seriously thought I would have to leave home. I realised i had no faith that I would be looked after. I hope I never have to find out. But it's an important lesson.

So I get myself to the gym three times a week. I try not to get involved in things that are not my responsibility, eg 'mum where's my xxx', or other irritating things people in my house ask. I try and get the kids to do more for themselves I am not so available to my mother in law and have even delegated jobs for her to one of her three sons or two other daughters in law, in front of her hoping she gets the point. My dad is happy to wait for me to do things when convenient to me (actually he has always been that way the darling).

And every now and then I take a deep breath and remind myself of the wonderful theme of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movie -everything will be alright in the end and if it is not alright then it is not the end.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad