When my husband goes away

WHEN MY HUSBAND GOES AWAY

My current spouse and I have been married 25 glorious years. Seventeen of them happy (I figure I've been asleep for at least seven years so that doesn't count). That is almost four 7 year itches. People wonder why I refer to him as my current spouse. It is to keep him on his toes. In the same way he refuses to have a vasectomy because he says it would be unfair on his second, much younger wife, who may want children. This presumes he could afford another child after a divorce, but I digress.

At our church wedding, we had one particular reading that stuck in my mind. There is only one line I remember. LOVE DOESN'T KEEP SCORE. In the first blush of young love that sounded dandy and optimistically workable. However after seven years of marriage we had our first child. Two years later our second, and five years after that our third, bonus, baby. I am here to tell you love does bloody well keep score after you have children. You keep score of who is more tired, who has had more sleep, more sleep ins ( I always lost that one- I haven't had a sleep in since 1993), who works harder, who has more time away, who does more jobs. You get the picture.

Before we had children we used to go away a lot together. We can't do that any more because we have different expectations which are mutually exclusive. Current spouse used to want a lot of sex. I wanted to read books and sleep a lot. It's just better that we don't attempt it now. We both end up disappointed. We do however get to have some time away on our own every now and then. One year he went to LA for a conference (which included a dinner at the playboy mansion), Bali for a family wedding (I got to stay home with two of my three children, my 12 month old nephew and disabled father in law), Japan for a conference and a 3 day ski trip, and Dubai for work and then a mini break. I went away for a girls weekend. To be fair I have been overseas twice with a girlfriend but not in the same year.

WHAT HE DOES BEFORE HE GOES AWAY

Asks me what he should pack
Asks me what seat he should sit in on the plane
Packs his bag
Puts his shoes on

WHAT I DO BEFORE I GO AWAY

Call seventeen people to make arrangements for children to be collected and dropped off at various activities
Make note of other mothers I to whom i owe favours
Create a three page colour coded spread sheet of who is doing what and when
Leave detailed instructions with current spouse
Cook as many meals as there are nights I am away
Ensure there are sufficient school uniforms, money, tuckshop bags etc
Leave list of phone numbers for emergencies including all the mothers to whom many favours are owed.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO AWAY

At least one child will have a bye in their chosen sport
Or it will rain heavily and all sporting activities will be cancelled
He will get to go to the gym
People will invite the children for sleepovers
People will invite him and the children over for a meal
Worse, people will invite him and the children away for the weekend
He will get to have afternoon naps
Disapproving mother in law fusses and spoils everyone while making tsk tsk noises
I will get the occasional text message saying things like 'the x box is broken', 'there are rotting potatoes in the pantry' and 'do you know where #insert random object# is?' Usually I do know even on another continent. I am not making this up.
No one gets sick
Nothing breaks


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GOES AWAY

I have to be in three different places at once for kids' sport
The washing machine will break down
It will rain heavily and there will be a flood
People ignore the fact that I am home alone with three children
One of the children will need to go to hospital for some grievous injury
My mother will have a suspected heart attack and be rushed to hospital (this did actually happen)
I will be exhausted
He will come home and complain about being tired

But I don't hold grudges. One day it will be my turn...

AMFYOYO