THINGS I HAVE LEARNT FROM MY TEENAGERS
Anyone expecting to read a schmaltzy mother/children bonding article should stop reading now. For all those with young adorable little children prepare yourselves for the rocky road ahead. This is what my teenagers have taught me.
Lesson # 1 I can run out of petrol turning on the ignition
Once the agony of teaching your teenager to drive is over they get their license they never seem to stop wanting to drive. This means they use cars And petrol. Usually one of their parents' cars. I have been known to turn on the ignition in my car and realise I have managed to run out of petrol just turning on the ignition. Or opening the door, if that's possible.
Lesson # 2 The car can double as a garbage dump
Teenagers also have the annoying habit of using the car as a garbage bin (see bin stuffing below). McDonald's wrappers and drink containers, parking meter dockets, lolly wrappers, all seem to find their way on to the back seat, along with old shoes and wet towels. Thankfully I have yet to find a used (or unused) condom.
Lesson # 3 Returning DVDs by the due date is for losers
I rarely borrow a DVD - who has time to watch a movie from start to finish? Really who are those people other than teenagers? But one day, recently, I actually went to borrow Bridesmaids from the local DVD store on a Tuesday, which is $1 Tuesday. I was looking forward to my $1 DVD, and the guilty luxury of watching a movie during the day. until I got to the counter and was told there was $15 in late fees owing on my account and now that it had reached this amount I was unable to borrow any more until it was paid. Wtf - it would have been cheaper to go to the movies. Thanks kids.
Lesson #4 always leave something for the next person to deal with
Leave 2 small biscuits in the otherwise empty arnotts shapes packet. Someone else will throw the box away in frustration.
Leave a few drops of milk in the bottle - just to piss your mother off when she goes to make a cup of tea and has to get more milk from the spare refrigerator.
Leave your cups of water on bedside tables coffee tables on the floor in front of the x box. All with just a little bit of water in them so it spills when picked up.
Lesson #5 mothers love doing laundry so give them as much as possible
I can wear the same pair of jeans for days. Not teenagers. No, wear them for a few hours and instead of putting them back in your wardrobe chuck them in the washing basket to be washed, ironed and put away. Also, when returning from holidays, it is sooo much easier to empty your bag into the laundry basket rather than put clean clothes away. This includes socks that are still rolled up in pairs - clearly clean
Lesson #5 (a) mothers lose their minds when discovering clean clothes in the laundry basket
Enough said
Lesson #6 don't worry about remembering where you put anything
'Where's my ##?' is a constant refrain. Unfortunately along with the kids' shoe sizes, social calendar, birthday parties, and various other miscellaneous and useless information, mothers tend to remember where everything is. Usually because things have been left in the wrong place and we notice. For example 'where are my thongs?' can be answered with any one of the following answers:
Under the driver's car seat
In the bathroom
One is on the front lawn, the other in the dog basket
On the floor in front of the couch
In your bag you took to a friend's place last weekend and haven't unpacked yet
(when ticked off) wherever you left them last
Lesson #7 bin stuffing is an art form
Teenagers can fill and overfill a bin like no others. All to avoid having to take the rubbish bag out to the bin.
Lesson #8 home is like a hotel and mum is the concierge
Think about it. You can come and go as you please. Don't worry about the electricity bill. Free wi fi. Daily maid service. In some cases and depending on how vigilant parents are, a mini bar. In room movies.
And now I find out teenagers turn into young adults in their twenties who NEVER LEAVE HOME. I may have to run away from home.
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