When my husband goes away

WHEN MY HUSBAND GOES AWAY

My current spouse and I have been married 25 glorious years. Seventeen of them happy (I figure I've been asleep for at least seven years so that doesn't count). That is almost four 7 year itches. People wonder why I refer to him as my current spouse. It is to keep him on his toes. In the same way he refuses to have a vasectomy because he says it would be unfair on his second, much younger wife, who may want children. This presumes he could afford another child after a divorce, but I digress.

At our church wedding, we had one particular reading that stuck in my mind. There is only one line I remember. LOVE DOESN'T KEEP SCORE. In the first blush of young love that sounded dandy and optimistically workable. However after seven years of marriage we had our first child. Two years later our second, and five years after that our third, bonus, baby. I am here to tell you love does bloody well keep score after you have children. You keep score of who is more tired, who has had more sleep, more sleep ins ( I always lost that one- I haven't had a sleep in since 1993), who works harder, who has more time away, who does more jobs. You get the picture.

Before we had children we used to go away a lot together. We can't do that any more because we have different expectations which are mutually exclusive. Current spouse used to want a lot of sex. I wanted to read books and sleep a lot. It's just better that we don't attempt it now. We both end up disappointed. We do however get to have some time away on our own every now and then. One year he went to LA for a conference (which included a dinner at the playboy mansion), Bali for a family wedding (I got to stay home with two of my three children, my 12 month old nephew and disabled father in law), Japan for a conference and a 3 day ski trip, and Dubai for work and then a mini break. I went away for a girls weekend. To be fair I have been overseas twice with a girlfriend but not in the same year.

WHAT HE DOES BEFORE HE GOES AWAY

Asks me what he should pack
Asks me what seat he should sit in on the plane
Packs his bag
Puts his shoes on

WHAT I DO BEFORE I GO AWAY

Call seventeen people to make arrangements for children to be collected and dropped off at various activities
Make note of other mothers I to whom i owe favours
Create a three page colour coded spread sheet of who is doing what and when
Leave detailed instructions with current spouse
Cook as many meals as there are nights I am away
Ensure there are sufficient school uniforms, money, tuckshop bags etc
Leave list of phone numbers for emergencies including all the mothers to whom many favours are owed.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO AWAY

At least one child will have a bye in their chosen sport
Or it will rain heavily and all sporting activities will be cancelled
He will get to go to the gym
People will invite the children for sleepovers
People will invite him and the children over for a meal
Worse, people will invite him and the children away for the weekend
He will get to have afternoon naps
Disapproving mother in law fusses and spoils everyone while making tsk tsk noises
I will get the occasional text message saying things like 'the x box is broken', 'there are rotting potatoes in the pantry' and 'do you know where #insert random object# is?' Usually I do know even on another continent. I am not making this up.
No one gets sick
Nothing breaks


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GOES AWAY

I have to be in three different places at once for kids' sport
The washing machine will break down
It will rain heavily and there will be a flood
People ignore the fact that I am home alone with three children
One of the children will need to go to hospital for some grievous injury
My mother will have a suspected heart attack and be rushed to hospital (this did actually happen)
I will be exhausted
He will come home and complain about being tired

But I don't hold grudges. One day it will be my turn...

AMFYOYO

LESSONS LEARNT FROM MY TEENAGERS

THINGS I HAVE LEARNT FROM MY TEENAGERS

Anyone expecting to read a schmaltzy mother/children bonding article should stop reading now. For all those with young adorable little children prepare yourselves for the rocky road ahead. This is what my teenagers have taught me.


Lesson # 1 I can run out of petrol turning on the ignition

Once the agony of teaching your teenager to drive is over they get their license they never seem to stop wanting to drive. This means they use cars And petrol. Usually one of their parents' cars. I have been known to turn on the ignition in my car and realise I have managed to run out of petrol just turning on the ignition. Or opening the door, if that's possible.

Lesson # 2 The car can double as a garbage dump

Teenagers also have the annoying habit of using the car as a garbage bin (see bin stuffing below). McDonald's wrappers and drink containers, parking meter dockets, lolly wrappers, all seem to find their way on to the back seat, along with old shoes and wet towels. Thankfully I have yet to find a used (or unused) condom.

Lesson # 3 Returning DVDs by the due date is for losers

I rarely borrow a DVD - who has time to watch a movie from start to finish? Really who are those people other than teenagers? But one day, recently, I actually went to borrow Bridesmaids from the local DVD store on a Tuesday, which is $1 Tuesday. I was looking forward to my $1 DVD, and the guilty luxury of watching a movie during the day. until I got to the counter and was told there was $15 in late fees owing on my account and now that it had reached this amount I was unable to borrow any more until it was paid. Wtf - it would have been cheaper to go to the movies. Thanks kids.

Lesson #4 always leave something for the next person to deal with

Leave 2 small biscuits in the otherwise empty arnotts shapes packet. Someone else will throw the box away in frustration.
Leave a few drops of milk in the bottle - just to piss your mother off when she goes to make a cup of tea and has to get more milk from the spare refrigerator.
Leave your cups of water on bedside tables coffee tables on the floor in front of the x box. All with just a little bit of water in them so it spills when picked up.

Lesson #5 mothers love doing laundry so give them as much as possible

I can wear the same pair of jeans for days. Not teenagers. No, wear them for a few hours and instead of putting them back in your wardrobe chuck them in the washing basket to be washed, ironed and put away. Also, when returning from holidays, it is sooo much easier to empty your bag into the laundry basket rather than put clean clothes away. This includes socks that are still rolled up in pairs - clearly clean

Lesson #5 (a) mothers lose their minds when discovering clean clothes in the laundry basket

Enough said

Lesson #6 don't worry about remembering where you put anything

'Where's my ##?' is a constant refrain. Unfortunately along with the kids' shoe sizes, social calendar, birthday parties, and various other miscellaneous and useless information, mothers tend to remember where everything is. Usually because things have been left in the wrong place and we notice. For example 'where are my thongs?' can be answered with any one of the following answers:

Under the driver's car seat
In the bathroom
One is on the front lawn, the other in the dog basket
On the floor in front of the couch
In your bag you took to a friend's place last weekend and haven't unpacked yet
(when ticked off) wherever you left them last

Lesson #7 bin stuffing is an art form

Teenagers can fill and overfill a bin like no others. All to avoid having to take the rubbish bag out to the bin.

Lesson #8 home is like a hotel and mum is the concierge

Think about it. You can come and go as you please. Don't worry about the electricity bill. Free wi fi. Daily maid service. In some cases and depending on how vigilant parents are, a mini bar. In room movies.

And now I find out teenagers turn into young adults in their twenties who NEVER LEAVE HOME. I may have to run away from home.