VLAD THE IMPALER

Vlad the Impaler was a Romanian Prince in the 1400s. He is best known for the exceedingly cruel punishments he imposed during his reign . His favourite method of torture was a horse attached to each of the victim’s legs as a sharpened stake was gradually forced into the body. The list of other tortures he employed is extensive: nails in heads, cutting off of limbs, blinding, strangulation, burning, cutting off noses and ears, scalping, skinning, exposure to the elements or to animals, and boiling alive... Nice chap. I am sure there is a whole episode of Law and Order:SVU dedicated to one of his fans.


The modern age Vlad the Impaler who will appear from time to time in this blog, is a managing partner of professional services firms or other senior partner in a management position, psychopath and narcissist, and he (usually a he, but occasionally a she) employs the following tortures – reducing equity shares, exclusion from meetings, open hostility, undermining to direct reports, changing the rules without telling you, marginalising, dismissing, making sure everything happens to enhance his view of himself and others’ view of him, taking credit for the work of others, blaming others for his mistakes, misinformation, or keeping important information to himself, character assassination about which you can do nothing because you are blissfully unaware it is happening until it is too late – generally making one’s life so miserable one wants to run screaming from the building. They completely lack empathy and in some cases border on being sociopaths. Again, SVU comes to mind. I imagine them as children sticking pins in butterflies while alive or torturing kittens while mummy imagines they are studying hard to be prime minister one day. Mummy could be the problem now that I think of it. Too much adoration and not enough thrashings with a leather belt.

There are many Vlads out there ruling firms with tyranny – evil geniuses who I imagine lie awake at night thinking of new ways to torment the poor bastards who report to them. The scary thing is that they seem to enjoy the carnage they create – and while their victims are shattered and relive each horrible torment over and over again, Vlad moves on very quickly, free of remorse, and in fact convinced his actions are for the victims’ and the firms’ own good. He acts in a very logical, deliberate way and because he lacks any empathy can and does move on very quickly.

I look forward to sharing Vlad stories from time to time because he is the person at whom I most want to shout:

AMFYOYO

MATERNITY LEAVE - LET'S ALL JUST HAVE A HOLIDAY

I am constantly fascinated by people (usually male partners, usually childless) who object so strenuously to female staff taking maternity leave – the cost, the inconvenience, the fact that ‘they’re not the same after they have a baby’. Well no, they are usually more efficient and less likely to be willing to take crap dished out to them on the basis that their bullshit tolerance is much lower. No one really objects to men taking parental leave – that only ever lasts about a week and they are put up on a pedestal as being so supportive and referred to as ‘babysitting’ their own offspring, although to be fair, that most often comes from their own mothers thereby making their daughters-in-law contemplate violence. But I digress.


Take the following exchange as an example of the fierce objection to mat leave. There I was having a relatively quiet and calm day (always the precursor to a disaster) when an email popped up from one of the less evolved male partners:

Dear M


why do I have to keep paying for these women to take maternity leave and inconvenience my practice? When do i get to take a similar amount of leave and have the firm pay me to take the leave?


Victor

Thinking he was joking and up for a bit of playful banter (silly, optimistic me) I responded as follows:

Dear Victor,


you seem to be under the misapprehension that maternity leave is a holiday and that the staff who have babies are taking this time off from their careers to sit by the pool, sipping cocktails before going inside the house to watch ‘Sex and the City’ reruns on Fox and have lunch with the girls. I imagine that if you were given the opportunity to take three months off work to look after a new born baby you would run screaming in the opposite direction.


regards


M

Apparently he was not joking.

M


typical bloody HR and feminist response. I am serious. Where is my reward for NOT having children?

Victor

Now one thing you don't want to do is get me riled up with a jurassic era response like this.
Dear Victor


You may not feel rewarded, but we, and i mean everyone in your world, are eternally grateful you have not procreated. Your reward I thought was obvious. Your career and meteoric rise through the partnership ranks, have been unimpeded by having had children and therefore not had the need to take time out from your career to care for the little blighters. This means that you are entitled to long service leave after only 5 years of partnership so that you can swan around the Riviera, sipping expensive champagne, without having to worry about who is looking after the precious ankle biters back at home. THAT is your reward. Oh along with not having to deal with pelvic floor problems later in life, saving all that money on school fees, and being able to lavish all that attention on your Rottweiler.

regards
M

I resisted the urge to go all out and ask why no-one ever asks a man how he combines his career and parenthood, or why leaving the office early on a Friday afternoon to go surfing is seen as good work/life balance but leaving to pick the kids up from soccer practice is not being committed to the job.

Victor never responded in writing to my last email but I told he admired my feistiness. And I lived in hope that he would become a single father.

AMFYOYO