My dad, who is 90 years old, raised the subject of his funeral yesterday. I suppose at 90 it shouldn't come as a shock to me that he had been thinking about it, but it was apropos of nothing at all, he just brought it up, while we were having our daily game of cribbage after I had brought him his evening meal.
Being a priest, he is not at all afraid of death, so discussing the concept was not difficult for him so as a result I had to work hard to keep my tears at bay at the thought of him not being in my life any more. I am having trouble typing this through the tears now.
Anyway he said he hadn't left any instructions for his funeral. I protested immediately saying I had a copy at home and he had given a copy to my brother and sister as well. 'Oh goodness', he said, 'that was from 25 years ago, everything has changed since then!'.
So we talked about it for a while - he loved my mother's requiem funeral mass, so we know the basics. I suggested that he should just write down what he specifically wanted and more importantly what he didn't want to have at his funeral, who should deliver the eulogy (definitely not me, cryer at funerals that I am) and so on. No Bishops to participate, apparently.
But I find myself feeling incredibly sad. I will miss my dad so much when he is gone. We have become so close since losing my mother nearly three years ago. He lives down the road from me now, is still quite independent, but I see him most days, talk to him every day other than when he is visiting my sister and brother and we have some very deep and meaningful talks about life, the universe, politics and everything going on in the world, as well as everything going on inside. We always make each other laugh- sometimes I wonder what the neighbours must think when they see a red Mazda pull up, followed moments later by howls of laughter coming from inside the house. This usually means he is thrashing me at cards.
And he listens to me. And he appreciates every little and not so little thing I do for him. Sadly as a wife and mother I don't get that at home. In fact some days, like today, I feel lonely and invisible in my own home.
I know I will miss his presence in my life more than I realise now and I am so lucky to have had my dad with me now for almost 51 years So many people don't have the privilege of a wonderful father and one that has lived as long as mine.
So my life will be empty without him in it. And I find myself having to mentally prepare for that day. But you can never truly prepare for the death of a loved one, can you?
